Serving as a caregiver for a loved one can be as rewarding as it is challenging, and that can be particularly true when the one you are looking after is your spouse. The dynamic shift can cause the relationship to change in ways you may have never thought possible. You may also be left with many questions about what to expect and how to ensure you have the support you need as you navigate through the role. Below, you'll find more information about how to be a caregiver for a spouse and what it means to take care of your own wellbeing too.
What caregiving for a spouse entails
If you are in a marriage or partnership with someone who has a chronic illness (of any severity) or a long-term disability and their health or required care impacts your life, then you are considered a spousal caregiver.The Well Spouse Association estimates there are more than 7 million people in the US who are currently filling this role or have in the past.
Caregiving for a spouse can involve responsibilities on both a day-to-day and long-term basis. You may be tasked with household responsibilities like cooking and cleaning while also managing what your spouse needs, like managing medications, attending doctor's appointments or helping with intimate personal care like bathing and dressing.
Big picture items also come along with this type of caregiving, such as managing finances, keeping track of insurance, navigating legal paperwork and other administrative duties. You likely will be considered a "second set of ears" for your spouse to ensure answers are provided, heard and understood.
All of these responsibilities can start to pile up after a while. "Essentially, you are juggling multiple roles, which can be overwhelming sometimes, especially if you were unprepared for the required level of care," saysMichelle King Rayfield, a licensed marriage and family therapist atOcean Recovery.
How caregiving for a spouse impacts the relationship
Whether you're new to spousal caregiving or have been filling that role for years, that change in your dynamic can certainly affect the relationship you have with each other.
"Sometimes the bonds of love are tightened, but often they become strained," says psychologistMarla Zeiderman, PhD. "Division of household chores and responsibilities become lopsided. This may lead to more of a parent-child rather than an adult-adult relationship and communication patterns follow."
The altered balance in the relationship can impact both sides of the once-equal partnership. Rayfield says the caregiver may begin feeling overwhelmed while the other partner may experience feelings of helplessness or even guilty.
"Intimacy can also take a hit -- physical and emotional closeness can sometimes fade when the focus shifts to care tasks and managing health," Rayfield adds.
All of these changes can negatively impact communication between the two partners. Increased arguing, resentment and a deterioration of trust are all possible when a spouse becomes a caregiver, especially if there isn't an open line of communication.
Emotional challenges for a spouse caregiver
When caregiving for a spouse, one of the most significant changes you may experience is the mix of emotions. These can also be overwhelming and confusing, as sometimes they are contradictory.
"Emotionally, it can be a rollercoaster," explains Rayfield. "Caregivers often experience love, frustration, sadness, and even guilt."
Guilt can be especially frustrating, particularly when it's the product of feeling overwhelmed or frustrated by the situation. Over time, it can build up, which leads to more serious issues like burnout or emotional exhaustion. This is especially true if the spousal caregiver has a fear of letting their partner down. As a result, they don't open up about their struggle and instead keep it to themselves.
A caregiver may also start to feel quite alone in the experience, either because they are afraid of burdening their spouse or have few outside relationships to turn to. "Things like social isolation can creep in, too, because caregiving can take up so much time and energy that there is little room left for other relationships or personal time," shares Rayfield.
Generally, the largest emotional impact comes from a sense of loss. Spousal caregivers are faced with the challenge of navigating their own grief.
"While many of us agree with the vow of love through sickness and health; the loss of our aging, retirement, and companionship expectations is difficult to hold," says Zeiderman. "Grieving the loss of what was and what could have been are significant challenges."
Self-care when taking care of a spouse
Since there's so much involved in the experience, it's common for caregivers to neglect their own needs. Naturally, this can have a negative impact on physical, emotional and mental wellbeing. For that reason, it's important to proactively take care of yourself as much as possible.
"Setting boundaries is critical -- taking regular breaks, scheduling alone time, or asking for help from family members or professional caregivers," advises Rayfield. "Finding small moments of self-care -- whether it's a walk, a hobby, or just some quiet time -- can help recharge your energy."
Locating and forming a support network is also crucial, experts say. This includes learning to be comfortable delegating support to other loved ones and friends. Even informing your doctor that you are caring for your spouse (with details of what that means), can give them a chance to look out for your own health and wellbeing.
Of course, communicating with your spouse when possible can help the two of you better understand the other's point of view. It will also make it easier to lighten the emotional load you may otherwise be carrying.
Resources for spousal caregivers
If you are taking on this caregiving role, there are a plethora of resources available to help you navigate the life-changing process.
All of these tools can ease the load for any spousal caregiver to ensure they are prepared, informed and supported in their situation.