An excerpt from 'The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex and Romance', by Shobhaa Dé.

At present, I am heavy with book. I have been heavy with child many times over. In both cases. I know the feeling too well. The experiences are similar. The focus shifts dramatically. You pretend to be present. But in reality, you are absent. Pregnancies are complicated affairs. Bouts of self-doubt. Damaged ego. A feeling of utter worthlessness and inadequacy. Why am I even doing this? The book will fail miserably. People will laugh and rejoice. The baby may turn out different from the creature you imagined. Are you making the same mistake? Again? Why?? You are stuck with both for life - the book and the baby. The precious body takes the biggest hit. Especially during the baby pregnancy. The "book pregnancy" is more manageable. Either case, food consumption goes up drastically. Your physical movements slow down noticeably. The gait changes. Facial expressions vary. Calories and chaos add to anxiety levels soaring. With disturbed sleep patterns and an overheated imagination, daily schedules are tossed out. Improvisation takes over. Thoughts travel at a reckless speed. The brain relocates to the womb - yes, in both pregnancies. Your internal life gets richer and richer. Externally, you turn obnoxious. Self-absorption absorbs and dominates other emotions. Snarling, not smiling becomes the norm as your anti-social self emerges with a vengeance. You hate everybody. Especially people who are thin, fit, and single. Or people who intrude into this confined space you have picked for yourself. Confinement is the right word for a pregnant state. Confined in body, spirit, and mind. But fabulously free to be yourself in totality. On a guilt-free, gorgeous "me trip". Really! You can choose this option.

The funny thing is, given the radical shift in hormones, a baby pregnancy enhances the female libido. You want it! As the pregnancy moves into fourth gear, and full-term approaches, you want it even more. You stare at your body, heart sinking, and ask, "Nobody can possibly feel like making love to this exaggeratedly bloated body ..." Surprise, surprise! Loving partners do! There are men who spend hours, gently stroking the distended belly of the woman who is (presumably!) carrying the man's child. They tell their lady she looks divine - Madonna and Child. She half believes, but does not contradict. She wants the man to gently touch her swollen breasts and soothe her sore nipples. She is willing to settle for any touch that demonstrates an active interest in her body - the body she no longer recognises as her own. She craves warm cuddles and words of appreciation ("You are glowing, darling ... we must make more babies"). Every attentive gesture from her partner is welcomed with gratitude.

Desire during pregnancy does take a big hit, particularly because everyone around you makes you doubly self-conscious about the additional kilos. And risks. Old wives' tales - penetration will harm the baby and lead to a spontaneous abortion. Nonsense. The baby is safely and snugly lodged in the uterus, not the vagina. Unless a pregnant woman indulges in rough sex with acrobatic positions, she is perfectly free to take the good old missionary position and enjoy herself. Unconscious body-shaming dents your self-esteem. Partners are scared to approach you in bed, in case you whip around and accuse them of being unreasonable and demanding. Couples often don't have sex for a year or more, pre- and post-baby. Some feel relieved! There is a legit excuse not to sleep with their partners. Some panic. Women wonder, "Will he ever feel attracted to me after seeing me like this?" Has he already found a hot, single woman? Men get busy with other, more important stuff - men can instantly create "more important stuff" when required. The habit of making love (sorry! but marital sex is more habit, less passion) gets replaced during that year with other distractions. Once the baby arrives, life changes forever. Breastfeeding, diaper changing, and the tedium of looking after a demanding, wailing infant kill any remnants of sexual longing. However, the body is in overdrive, producing post-pregnancy hormones that crave sex. Conflict zone! When and how to make time for sex, with a baby competing for undisturbed nipple time. It's a challenge. A challenge worth taking. Or else I wouldn't have had as many children voluntarily and joyfully.

Far too many women feel sexually unwanted during pregnancy. They don't like the sight of their own bodies and shun sexual advances from partners who really don't care about a huge belly coming in the way of pleasure. Women, in any case, pregnant or not, have an uneasy relationship with their bodies. Most men are perfectly fine with theirs, regardless of shape and size. Women are consumed with a sense of inadequacy, seeing imperfections and flaws in an exaggerated way. I have never met a woman who is unconditionally happy, non-judgmental about her body, and I include the world's most publicly acknowledged beauties - models, beauty pageant winners, and actresses. It cannot be that females have been collectively and successfully brainwashed over centuries. Brainwashed by whom? It is this inhibitory body complex that gets heightened during pregnancy. Combine that with the comparatively new trend of partners witnessing childbirth! I find it hard to believe men are not uneasy, queasy as they watch their wife/girlfriend in the throes of delivery, often yelling, screaming, moaning, and protesting, while the team looking intently into her birth passage, urges her to push, push, push. Let me not even describe the afterbirth mess! The miracle of life is indeed awe-inspiring. But the sight of a woman writhing in pain, legs splayed, thrusting, and struggling to get the bloody baby out, is not a pretty one. The last thing on the mind for her, and him, is sex.

My eyes are looking glazed. I stare at blood-red lilies drooping in an old crystal vase. It's been a long, happy night with the children over a relaxed ghar ka khana evening. I watch them from a short distance, as they converse animatedly, laugh, sip martinis, tease one another, bully me. I observe their body language and wonder about their sex lives. Not sure if I am allowed the curiosity. But I can't help myself. They are young, full of energy, vibrantly alive. They appear sexually well adjusted, in tune with their partners. Am I reading them accurately? Are they? I cannot pry. They do not reveal. Going by the children they've produced, and their positive outlook, I imagine they are doing well under the covers. Despite the intensity of their work lives, the pressures, stress and all else. Money worries and anxiety are libido killers during these years. Raising kids and pampering pets (we are a family of dog lovers) consumes time and energy. Throw in social commitments, frequent travel, deadlines, professional demands, and the picture gets blurry. When do my children have sex? Do they even enjoy it? I catch myself openly staring at the newlyweds, Aditya and Natasha. They look very into one another. Frequently reaching out to hold hands and communicate through their eyes (aankhon aankhon mein). I'm guessing they are enjoying the honeymoon period.

And there's Arundhati chasing after her energetic son Aryaman. Is she "active" now that she and Sahil have produced two kids ("We definitely don't want a third")?

Avantika is staring dreamily at the sea outside - at the sea - not at Pramod, her husband, who is talking about US financial markets to Mr Dé. The other two "marrieds" are not with us. Ranadip and Radhi. Maybe they are back in their Goa home after a long walk along the beach. Are they...? And Radhika in Kolkata...probably painting or sculpting. But not...! That leaves Anandita, who insists she is more interested in looking after Bijou - her beautiful French poodle - than you-know-what.

It's a generation that's perpetually seeking cosmic answers to life. They worry about global warming and the environment. What about warming beds and fixing the emotional environment? What about marital "cooling"? Holidays are rarely for relaxation and "us time". Couples need to get away periodically - just the two of them. But nowadays, even honeymoons are spent with friends in tow. Carving out time for privacy has been converted into a corporate decision, with spreadsheets determining weekend breaks. Laptops are never left at home - just in case there's a work emergency to take care of. And cell phones have replaced condoms - who needs a condom when no real sex is on the agenda? Oh...they prefer virtual sex? And they always have a few nifty sex toys to get the party going, right? Talking dirty also helps, say sexperts for this generation of Amazing Adults Who Have It All.

Excerpted with permission from The Sensual Self: Explorations of Love, Sex and Romance, Shobhaa Dé, Aleph Book Company.