Add this one to the list of things I didn't realize you can't do, not that I would have ever thought to do this. Did you know that you can be arrested for faking public intoxication? Well, apparently you can in Iowa.

That's right, folks. According to a report from KCRG, deputies recently responded to a report of people lying in a ditch in Elgin, Iowa, on Monday, August 18th. When they rolled up, they found a 31-year-old man from West Union allegedly pretending to be drunk. Not actually drunk. Not tipsy. Just running his own one-man ditch-dwelling show called "Oops, I Had Too Many." And for this performance, Mr. Kalab Barker didn't get applause; he got handcuffs.

So here's the deal: Iowa law (specifically Iowa Code § 123.46) makes it illegal not only to be intoxicated in a public place, but also to simulate intoxication. Meaning, if you think it's funny to stumble around, slur your words, and mumble about pizza rolls in the gas station parking lot, then the police are legally allowed to say, "Nice acting job, buddy, but you're heading downtown."

It's considered a simple misdemeanor, which may sound harmless, like a slap on the wrist. But that "slap" can mean fines anywhere from $105 to $855, plus extra surcharges and court fees. Oh, and let's not forget the possibility of up to 30 days in jail. Imagine trying to explain to your cellmate that you're in there because you pretended to be drunk. That's not tough-guy material; that's sitcom material.

After your stereotypical drunk guy in a ditch routine, Iowa law does allow these convictions to be expunged after two years, as long as you keep your record clean. The state gives you a chance to essentially wipe away your fake-drunk blunder, provided you don't do anything equally ridiculous in the meantime. Basically, keep your acting on stage, not in public.

Moral of the story: in Iowa, don't drink and stumble in public. But also don't not drink and then stumble in public... Why am I writing this? Apparently, the only safe place to practice your "pretend drunk" routine is at home in front of your dog or cat. While the dog thinks it's hilarious, the cat will silently judge you (as will I). Hey, at least neither will call the cops.